Most of potential clients approach my agency seeking help with their domestic relationship and family matters. What I know is that nothing feels better to a potential client more than knowing you can personally relate to their situation and be able to address their concerns. While the outcome of each case may be different, the methodology can sometimes be similar.

Today, I would like to share a summary of my story of going through the court system as a first time mom and my experience while going through a divorce under the grounds of adultery.

For context, my ex is a covert narcissist and I’m not saying this as a trend nor am I a licensed psychologist, however I have real life experiences. I have also studied this subject in depth since 2015 and possess a lot of knowledge on the characteristics and behaviors before it recently became a huge trend. 

I was once married and got divorced 7 years ago.

Due to the age of our child and because there was an active restraining order I had against my ex’s then mistress due to:

• Repeated harassment multiple times via text & repeated phone calls.

• Threats to cause bodily harm.

• Calling my command in the military making false allegations.

Although I expressed to the judge that our child could be around her (because I didn’t want to be labeled “bitter” even though I had very valid reasons) I just didn’t want any contact from or with her. I had already warned her that he was a married man with a newborn and up to no good and he was her problem.

Unfortunately, that turned into her wanting to fight me with the thought that my warnings meant I still wanted to be with him, which that was the furthest from the truth after all the abuse and mistreatment and inconsideration I had endured during our short lived marriage while living abroad in Japan and when I moved back to the states, not realizing this was my third and final attempt to get divorced from him and I was looking forward to shifting to coparenting.

Mr. Judge didn’t agree and felt like it would be a safety risk and he verbally stated that he did not trust that my ex would keep my child away from her as he had already kept her around in the middle of the proceedings when we were both instructed to not have partners around.

Here’s something’s my ex attempted in our divorce and custody proceedings:

• He moved away back to his home state and voiced to the judge that he wanted me to bring our newborn son halfway to him for visitation and the judge didn’t agree with that either.
• He brought up that I was active duty military and that I shouldn’t have the custody arrangement I desired. The judge didn’t buy that either because I was not on deployment, and he didn’t see any issue with me having my child.

My ex made several false allegations about our dynamic attempting to play a dirty game when all else failed and used the DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) method against me and after doing so the judge asked if he had proof, to which he stated he did not. I was the only one with proof of every fact my attorney and I stated.

After all of this was brought up, the judge then read off all of the best interest of the child factors and came to the conclusion based on the evidence and my ex’s behaviors displayed in the court on numerous occasions, he found it in the best interest of my child that I get awarded primary custody with joint legal custody and my ex have supervised visitation at my residence clubhouse or anywhere we mutually, or I solely agree. This was not only because of his mistress, but because I had a huge binder full of evidence to include: 

• Text messages of my efforts to coparent and facilitate visitation in a peaceful manner and the lack on the other side. 

• Social media posts

• A nasty letter that I got in the mail from my ex

My attorney at the time utilized my binder I created of evidence and presented it all to display my ex’s:

• Lack of consistent involvement in visitation. Appearing and disappearing. Moving out of state during proceedings with his mistress.

• Refusing to attend doctors visits or being concerned with the safety of our child when I brought up how the car seat should be placed in the vehicle and the time a can of formula was purposely and retaliatory spilled in the baby bag after a previous court decision that did not go into his favor.

• Constant continued harassment and belittling, misrepresenting and defaming my character and attacking my motherhood from him through projection of his fatherhood failures.

• Police involvement

• Conflict in communication on my ex’s behalf from threats to cause harm using his mistress

• Text message threats to drag me through court system after the judge issued unfavorably to him.

• Constant blocking of communication with me (Text messages going from blue to green because I started setting boundaries about his interactions with me and he was used to me, not having any.) when I was only just communicating about our child and sending pictures to him.

All of which I have described are forms of post separation abuse from a narcissist.

The second to last hearing before the divorce was finalized, My ex was arrested in court once my attorney pointed out something that he lied about, and he got charged with perjury. He falsely misrepresented his past employment and attempted to conceal his current employment. The previous employment hourly rate was less than the current amount and here's what gave it away: 

He walked into the courtroom with a lanyard around his neck and a government contractor CAC card on full display in the clear placement. After recess, he came back into the courtroom with the card switched from the front of the lanyard to the back of it and his license was on clear display in front of it. My attorney let the judge know what I observed and the judge instructed my ex to remove it and hand it to my attorney to which he did. She removed the CAC card and began questioning him about it to which he began to act clueless on how it got there. The judge requested it to be brought to the stand and he examined it, scanned it, and asked questions some of which he was being facetious. It turns out my ex was making more money than he previously stated he was and also the child support division had already let me know that the job he mentioned previously, he was no longer employed with them. After cross examination by my attorney and questioning by the judge he gave the true amount of his hourly wage and amount of hours he works per week. 

At the final court proceeding, the judge had a “come to Jesus” talk with my ex in front of the entire courtroom and my ex’s dad came from out of state to accompany my ex and to sum it up the judge talked to him like he was his son and said twice that he needed to seek professional help. It was such a wonderful feeling for a judge to see through the lies and manipulation. I say all of this to say, evidence is very important in court cases especially involving precious children. Evidence that documents behaviors, patterns, and lack of action from the other party will always help your court case. The best method of communication to accomplish this is only through text message and email. Limit phone calls, and if you must make sure you record but before doing that check your state laws to find out if it is a one party state or not.